There are as many different types of boobs as there are shapes of women, and let’s face it — some shapes are nicer than others. While it’s true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, when it comes to cleavage there are just some lines that must be drawn when a woman steps in front of a camera; it’s a harsh reality of life, after all. Without further ado, these are the 15 worst kinds of boobs — get to know your enemy.
The Bolt-Ons
Nothing could be more terrifying than a hideous pair of bolt-ons suddenly appearing in your face as you’re minding your own business at the local 80′s night — except maybe seeing them at an awards show. One thing’s for certain here; while it’s true that money can buy just about anything these days, including fake breasts, Victoria Beckham has proven that it can’t buy common sense.
The Saggers
Saggers are often cited as being every girl’s secret fear, which in the end is often realized due to the natural process of aging. In certain cases, saggers make their debut at an early age — and usually on women who don’t seem to realize the fact. Saggers don’t necessarily have to be large to earn the moniker, and be sure not to mistake a pair of saggers for pancakes. The problem with saggers is that they simply don’t make an effort to stay where you put them, and they certainly don’t belong in public spaces without a good bra.
The Tipped Scale
Every kid learns at an early age, much to their surprise and befuddlement, that a girl’s pair of girls aren’t ever exactly the same. One is always larger than the other — it’s just usually by an amount so trivial that it can hardly be quantified. In extreme cases of cup-size disparity, you get the tipped scale. More socially savvy women who happen to be afflicted with this nuisance tend to pad a cup to balance things out, but some girls just go commando and wind up as examples in the blogosphere.
The Perpetual Nipples
Some people like to think that a good bra can cover anything, but with a pair of glass-cutters like these things mounted up front and center, it’s difficult to imagine just keeping a wardrobe without holes worn through every piece. The perpetual nipples aren’t just unsightly and embarrassing though — they’re potentially dangerous, too. It only takes one of them to put an eye out in the wrong situation.
The Pancakes
Not to be confused with saggers, the pancakes tend to be most evident on girls who are often told to eat something before they die of malnutrition. Pancake boobies are like fossils or ancient ruins — they’re evidence that there was once cleavage where there are now only sad, flappy, forgotten bags of nothingness.
The Widow Makers
We like to call these widow makers because of their obvious potential to suffocate would-be victims of a smothering hug-attack by the wearers. We say would-be because the odds of a girl sporting these monsters of modern medicine ever snagging a man are worse than winning the lottery.
The Wreck
The wreck is quite literal, since it’s usually due to a botched plastic surgery, and most closely resembles body-damage from a car wreck. Unlike a car wreck, botched plastic surgery is often irreparable, and let’s face it — a dented boob is quite a bit more unsightly than a dented bumper.
The Anime Special
Prepubescent boys will ogle and lust after the anime special, but once they grow old enough to realize what things like “poor taste” and “sad pathetic attempts to feel more beautiful” are, they learn that there is such a thing as being proportional. Women who have this done to themselves are generally on the lower end of the porn-industry’s totem pole, but there are some pretty notable exceptions.
The Justin Bieber
Calling girls who are flatter than boards Justin Biebers may seem a bit mean, but let’s face it, Justin Bieber deserves it. These women spend their entire lives self-conscious of their chestlessness in the starry-eyed belief that someday they may actually grow breasts. Sadly for them (and us) that doesn’t usually happen without surgical intervention, but every so often, one of them grows up to become a Hollywood starlet.
The Migrators
Migrators may start out in a fairly standard placement in the morning, but they tend to go wherever they please as the day goes on. Women with migrators are usually the type to shun their bras, and even worse, think they have extremely desirable cleavage and try their best to show it off to as many souls as possible. Some people may also refer to these wandering nomads as “drifters.”
The Uniboob
Alongside the dreaded bolt-ons, the uniboob is quite possibly one of the most frightening and emotionally disconcerting sights to which anyone can be exposed, period. Uniboobs are a genetic oddity, much unlike the more ubiquitous unibrow. While it’s possibly for a girl to be born with these things, it’s much more likely that when you see it, you’re seeing the erred judgment of a girl who couldn’t afford a good plastic surgeon.
The Balloons
Balloons happen when a woman, on a misguided quest through Breast Augmentation Land, arrives at the point where she officially has the anime special and decides that it’s simply not enough. When a woman has breasts so outlandishly bulbous that they make small children think that the woman may actually float away, the woman has failed.
The Grand Canyon
The Grand Canyon is one of America’s most celebrated natural wonders. It’s also a great name for a pair of ta-tas that are perennially miles apart. Women with the Grand Canyon are almost always deluded enough to think that they actually have some sort of desirable cleavage on their chest, when in reality all they really have is a set of (usually) fake breasts positioned so far apart that they look flat-chested.
The Blow-Up Doll
Another surprisingly literal moniker for a seriously disturbing type of boobage — the blow-up doll occurs when a particularly trashy woman decides that regular breast augmentation just isn’t enough for her control-freak attitude; she needs to be able to pump up her assets on a moment’s notice, and what better way to do it than to use an actual pump? Women who go this far have to be able to live comfortably with nozzles on the sides of their fake breasts, as well as the fact that no man will ever want to touch or look directly at them again.
Moobs
Last but not least; since, after all, breasts are aren’t just a female feature, but mammalian one, are moobs. Moobs are both dreaded and celebrated (celebrated when spotted in hilarious ironic glory at a public swimming pool, dreaded in every other circumstance), and from a purely numerical standpoint, are likely far more prevalent in today’s society than every other type of horrifyingly bad breasts on this list. Unlike the other breasts on this list, moobs are easily corrected with diet and exercise, as they can most often be attributed to a combination of fast food and World of Warcraft.
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